Thursday, 13 January 2011

Hello, it's me.

Hello Lovelies,

I know, I know, it's been a long time and you properly have forgotten me or felt abandoned by me. What can I say, sorry just won't cover it and filling you in on ALL the details will only send you to sleep. Obviously if you are having trouble sleeping just drop me an e-mail and I will give you the full unabashed edition.

I want to tell you what has happened, however the family are finally getting back to normal and I have no real desire to rock a leaky boat having spent a lot of time and energy plugging the bloody holes.

So in order to protect the innocent and some of the not so innocent I will give you the shortened and some what sanitised version of events.

In the true award ceremony style and IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER the awards go to......

My eldest son ASHLEY, for finally getting off weed.

Yes! I know you didn't know he was even on it, but hey it's not really something you shout about, OK well at lest I don't.
Ashley was never really badly behaved on it or gave me any trouble. He just had a flipping chimney placed in his head and buried himself in his room and forgot about life, friends, family, everything.
Did I try to get him off it before? YES! Did I talk to him seriously about it? YES I did!
I could have thrown him out the house, but felt that would make things worse for him and could lead to other more serious stuff. I keep him close and kept trying to help him off of it. But like all addicts you can't help them until they are ready and my son wasn't ready. I played the long wait game. I think I won!!!
I always felt we'd get there in the end; when he and I had a huge fight, something that really never happens between us and he got very nasty with me it scared the life out of him.
Ashley gave up over night, literally overnight. He asked me to take all of it away.
He's had a huge up hill struggle, but he's getting there now and has even taken up jogging and weights to help him. Slowly he is coming back to normal.

I am immensely proud of him and admire him greatly for how he has achieve this huge turn around in his life. It great to have him back, he's just wonderful and a shining star.

Next award to the hated neighbours. For being total.....i can't type the word it's to rude, but it starts with a c...!
Who made life so utterly and unbearably difficult. They upped the nightmare. I didn't think they could get any worse, but was clearly just deluding myself. I can't go into details for legal reasons...never thought I would hear myself say that!!!
Suffice as to say when I can talk you will know. PROMISE.

The next award goes to PATRICIA, the beautiful daughter, who left home last year....

Strange award I know. You see she has left and come back before, however Patricia got her own flat from the council and that means she won't ever be coming home to live again.
This sent me into a funny little spiral. Stupidly I felt abandoned, finished with, not needed, useless, worthless and completely bereft. Silly really because I still have the boys at home.
But for some reason her leaving meant all of the above and more.

However she sensed this..bless her and she has made lots of effort to include me in her life and the plans for her flat and future. We have been designing her flat and saving money and are about to start decorating it in the next couple of weeks, photo's to follow.

Patricia and I are in fact closer than ever and she is still the constant joy in my life.

The next award goes to CALLUM, for being so completely amazing.

He's come along way, has done very well at college despite the chaos around him.
He is now applying to 5 universities and is expected to get into 3 of them.
Callum has done all of this with very little financial support from me or the state recently I found out that he could have got a grant for college and would have been getting it from 16, but he decided that he wanted to do it for himself and by himself. He's amazing.
He has also made a few short films and was chosen to make some video's for an up and coming band.
He has shown a lot of love and affection for his siblings and been very understanding of Ashley's struggle.

For doing well at college in all the chaos, doing it by himself, and for just being amazing he deserves my uttermost respect, (some kids would use that as an excuse to not get up and on with it all).


Fibromyalgia..for just being a pain all over, for getting the better of me, just when I was doing so well. For forcing me to be bed bound for weeks on end.
Depression..for setting in along with the fibro' and taking over my life by becoming close best friends with the fibro' making everything worse; just when I truly didn't need it to. Took me a very long time to work out what had gone wrong and blamed myself for it all. Turns out they are evil twins who like to tag I know who they are now and how they operate. I will win.
Hospital....for while eventually taking care of me and the nurses were great. However they didn't listen and this made it worse.
Weight Gain..for making me put on weight due to fibro', depression & hospital...a nightmare.
I went from 12st 5lbs to 13st 7lbs, really annoyed and it didn't help that the hospital gave me meds that meant I was bound to put on weight, which depressed me more and made fibro' worse.

The next award goes to MOVING HOUSE & CHRISTMAS.

For Moving your all thinking that must have been stressful, funnily enough it turned out to be a relief. I have no idea why I resisted it for so long.
Did we sell the house, no we simply gave it back to the mortgage company. Is that a collective in take of breath I hear!!!!
I know you think I am mad, but as many of you know I don't do anything that involves the family without due care and consideration. After a long drawn out battle with myself it made sense. You see we were lease holders and as such had no say in what was going on around us. When the council wanted to do improvements to the area they sent those of us who had been smart enough to buy, (so we thought) a huge massive bill for the works. My bill would have ruined us, with no way ever of getting out of that house and away from the hated neighbours, who had not brought.
This meant that for the rest of my life I would be paying for them to be made snug and comfortable, so they weren't going to leave. It put me in a position I didn't want.
I came to an agreement with the mortgage company and moved on. We did well and have since heard from the good neighbours that their bill has now doubled.....I have no regrets.
The new flat is great and rented, the maintenance is the landlords headache and I like that. If I don't like the neighbours I can move.....
Also it is helping me to get better again, which I would put above owning my own house any day.

For Christmas...just because while we were in some ways not able to celebrate it the way we had in the past; it reminded us of who we all were and what we had all been thorough and how we had stuck it out together. Patricia stay here at the new place, it was quiet and just us and I think we really needed that. New Year was just as good.

The final award goes to FRANCIS..(with an i)... for being my hero.

When I was faced with some real life changing decisions Francis (with an i) was calm and clear.
When I argued with myself about the house and my failure to get things right he stood steadfast by my side and listen to me go over and over and over it all. Finally telling me that I hadn't been a failure that in fact I had managed single handily to hold a family together, go to work, run a home and keep it. That what was happening was beyond my remit, but that my response to it was and that he had every faith I would do what was right for us all.

For reassuring me, being there, having the wisdom to know I am a nut job with a heart and loving me anyway, he has my undying adoration and love.

Well I think that covers it all as briefly as I can and I feel like I have blown away the cobwebs, time to let the butterflies out now........

Oh yeah and one for ALL of you....... just for putting up with me....I have missed you all.

Much Love
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