Friday, 26 June 2009

I never said I was Perfect pt2

I never mentioned this in my last post as I really want to talk to my sister and Nutty, my best friend. Plus I needed to talk to Frances, but he really does have enough to deal with right now, so I don't want to bog him down with this.

Last night when, the husband of my friend came over to talk about the situation with his wife and I, he told me that his wife had, had a mental breakdown and that I was largely responsible for this turn of events.

I can not believe how badly this woman has gotten into my head and messed with it all.

I have spent the day with my sister, as some of you know we are meant to be going away camping, but cancelled. As we were meant to be together for the weekend, we decided to go ahead and spend the time together.

I'm so glad we did, as I really need to hear some home truths today and unfortunately my best girl lives 3hrs drive away, although we did talk today, more about Nutty's take on this later.

My sister is a gentle soul, but she never suffers fools, well never for long and she will tell me if i am in the wrong. We talked at length today about this whole mess and she told me that she had noticed a slight change in me and that without knowing, she could always tell when I had sent time with this woman, as I was often moody and snappy. That she felt this woman was bringing me down and had been for months. E also felt that when it came to give and take, I seemed to be the one giving a lot more than I was taking. E said she had found the friend to be very manipulating and in the end E had felt that I was being taken advantage of. In fact E and I had argued over this and I had got very belligerent about it. Not a moment I am proud of. Sorry E, I hope you know how much I love you. xx and that you were right, ok I said it, you were right.!!!

Nutty, said some things that made me think, again this is a woman whom I trust, totally.
Nutty has never put me wrong and will also not hesitate to let me know if I am wrong about something. But what really stuck a cord with me was when she said "Your being blamed for something that is beyond your control, it is not your fault that she has untreated mental health issues., it is beyond your control". She also asked me if I really wanted to spent time with anyone who can so willingly turn on me and would I ever feel the same and be able to relax and be me. Nutty is right, I'm not one to walk on egg shells. (I'm too fat for one ha ha)

Frances, is in agreement with the girls and I have to say that these 3 combined are my rock, always there to guide and help, or kick my backside whichever is needed.
I have a little saying of my own, "If enough people whom you trust and respect are all signing from the same hymn sheet, it's time to sit up and take notice"

Well they are all in tune, so I won't be going back to all this madness, after all it is beyond my control.

I am hoping now that this will be the last I ever have to do with this woman.
Has it put me off trying to make friends with new people, to be honest it has, but I am hoping this will pass and I will regain my belief that everyone is worth trying to get to know, after all you never know what you will learn from them.

However I think it will be some time before I recover from this.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

I Never said I was Perfect., pt1

I try hard to be a good friend and a nice person, to be dependable and reliable for my friends, but sometimes, just sometimes I do wonder why I bother to try and make friends.

I actually have friendships that are over twenty years old and am aware that in order for a friendship to flourish you have to both work for it. I'm not saying work hard, just that you both have to put in the time and a bit of effort. But I do feel that basically this is the same for any relationship.

Anyway, just over a year ago, I met a woman that I really liked and thought that she would become a good friend. We spent alot of time together, crafted together, went places together.
I thought I had made a good choice, she brought much to my life and we laughed alot.

However a few months ago something shifted, I couldn't put mt finger on it, but i know there was a shift. I asked what was wrong, nothing she replied, everything's *fine*.

FINE, the cover all word, while the real meaning is buried. I hate the response fine. It's what teenagers say, in that sulky go away leave me alone, you don't understand me, you never listen, etc, etc, etc. It's such an infantile response.

We were at that time building a web-site together in order to sell the crafts that we had been making, mostly due to the fact that they are taking over my house. I had left the actual designing of the web to her, as she said that it was an easy programme, that she had built web-sites before, so knew exactly what to do. Meanwhile, I got on with the photography, opening an e-bay shop, an etsy shop and 3 blogs, one each and one for the business, while also taking on all the research and crafting and networking: while also trying to get a craft stall. Like I said I did notice a shift, but was too busy to really deal with it.

I was up to date with all that we had agreed I would carry out, yet there was no sign of a web site, I asked, it's FINE. Weeks went by, still no site, still I'm fine.
In the end, I brought a programme and tried to make a site, clearly not my strong point and it's been a struggle.(But that's another post)

I told my friend what I had done and that I had done it to take the pressure off her.
This did not go down at all well, I was pushing her out, I was taking over, I didn't want to work with her, oh my gosh, the list went on and on.
I tried to explain, that I have a family and was use to earning my own money and being self motivated, that my saving were running out and things needed to be moved forward or it would really affect my family.

It was at this time that I found out what a nut case this woman truly is.
I have been overwhelmed with the amount of e-mails, text and msn messages( so much so that I have had to appear off line in order to use my msn account) that I have received from her, all telling me how horrid I am, how I have destroyed her trust and ruined her life, how she can never again make friends with anyone 'cos of the things I have done to her.

I'm not saying that I am perfect in all this, I have rowed back and defended myself, but this has been a total onslaught of my character.

Tonight her husband came to call, we chatted for a long time and it turns out that she has untreated mental health issues, I won't go into the reasons why she is untreated, it really isn't for me to tell you. He went over why his wife had done what she did, saying that it was mostly me and my fault. Then Frances came home from work and said a few things that made the husband think a bit more and Frances talked to him about the e-mails I had got from her and he began to see that it wasn't all in fact down to me and that his wife had been a big player in it all.

The husband would like us to all remain friends, but while I don't want to be mean, I can't help thinking that I would rather walk away from this and chalk it up to an experience, while trying to learn something about myself from all this. I feel as though I have been thrown back into the play ground with all the petty nonsense that has come my way. I have spoken at length about this whole episode with a very frank and forth right friend, who never pulls her punches with me and will always bring me down a peg or two should I need a telling.

My friend has told me to walk away as she has noticed how all this has effected me and I know there will be other friends that would tell me the same, I can at this stage only guess what my sister will have to say about this latest twist.

I guess the best thing I can do is sleep on it and then talk to my sister E and best friend Nutty.
I have a feeling I know exactly what they will say!!!

I do know one thing and that's, that over the years, I have had a few fights with friends and my adopted sister and I fight loads at times, but never once has anyone made me feel so low and I really know that my self esteem has taken a knock.

Not Such Great News.

News from our end is not so great today, I'm sorry to say.

When Frances came home last night, I am ashamed to say that I didn't notice straight away that there was something wrong with him, I was busy in the garden, (but the reason for that is another post) so we didn't really talk, I asked him to go to the fish and chip shop to get tea, honestly we don't do that very often, as I prefer to cook, but was so busy. He moaned about it, not like him at all, to moan about trivial things, that's my job.

Anyhow, my sister was here helping in the garden and as we finished rather late, I said I would drive her home. Again he moaned about this, most unusual, so I just put it down to a hard/bad day at work. On the way back Frances decided to tell me that it is possible that as of next week, we will have no work.

This is due to many of the big housing developers, who are cutting back so much that it is now seriously biting into our way of life. Apart from me *having* to give up work in November 08, we have largely manage to stay one step ahead of the recession, but it would seem it has now well and truly caught up with us.

One of our main sources of employment has said that it may only be a blip, till they get to the other side of their tax year, which is July, but it still leaves us up in the air, looking down at sh*te creek and not a paddle between us. Ok, so I have the inter-net business, but while it is doing well it is still in it's infancy, so doesn't cover all our living costs.

I am sure we will find away around this, but right now as a result it looks like our holiday in July is on hold and we will not be escaping this weekend, as we really can't justify spending money, we may well need in the next few weeks.

But mostly it's Frances I really feel for right now. He's very serious about taking care of me, my family and our home and has never ever had to do unemployment, he has worked since leaving school. Anytime off work has been 'cos he wanted to be off work and not 'cos it was forced upon him. He phoned me at 10:30 am, as usual today and he has been phoning around looking for work, but has drawn a blank so far. Then there's the fact that we do actually paint domestic houses for clients and have a fair few regulars, but even these people aren't calling.

So at this moment in time we have nothing booked and the contractors we do work for have put their own hold on our work.

I am worried, not about money, housing bills and food, etc, but rather what this will do for a man who takes his commitments to his family and wife (ok, we're not married, but you get what I mean) I just hope things work out for him and he doesn't lose heart.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Bell Tent

We are getting ready to take our bell tent out for it's first outing this weekend.

Now we have a slight reservation about out new tent.
For a start it is a canvas tent, we have never owned a canvas tent and have read loads about it.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to canvas tents,

A] It must be fabrisil or some such.
B] Put it up, let it get wet, dry it out, the canvas shrinks and hey hoo a waterproof tent.

This is a 4m diameter tent, with even the 6ft 4in youngest son able to stand up in it and move around with ease, so it's huge, I am hoping option B is the one that is the right one, otherwise, we will get wet and once the blooming thing is dried out, we will have to find a way to cure it, I'm sure that will turn into a nightmare.

I have found a lot out about Bell tents through searching through the inter-net and it is definitely split into the cures and the not to cures camp.

I don't want to lose sleep over it, we will just have to take the chance that if it rains we don't get wet, although I am planning on taking a gas heater just in case it rains and the tent leaks.

You'd think with it being June, I wouldn't be worried about rain, but hey this is Britain rains, so be prepared.

Talking about being prepared, I have made a list of things to take, well! actually I have made twenty lists, I keep adding and taking away stuff, then remembering something else, oh good grief this is going to be a long week........eek!!!!

One good thing I did decide on was the camp site, which is about 1hours drive from home, if it does rain and our new Bell Tent doesn't hold up, it's not so far to come home.

Bless, my sister, who is coming with us for the weekend. Myself and E, will be going down to the camp site by lunch time and Frances will come down on the train after work.
So it will be down to us girls to stike camp before the big man arrives and as I have never put it up before, I did think it rather brave of her to say she would come and help.
If nothing else it will be a laugh.

I am taking the camera, as even I think this will be funny, two mad old women putting up a massive bell tent for the first time. The rain I can deal with, it's wind I'm worried about, only I don't fancy flying through the air and ending up in the next county.

Anyway, while I have been typing this, I have thougt of about 6 things that need to be on the list...a mallet for could I forget that!
Then there's at lest 4 things to come off the list...where did I leave that last list?

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