The Mad Rambling of a Hot Hormonal Forty Something.
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Sunday, 21 February 2010
Love & Happiness.
Hello my darlings,
Are you all well, I do so hope that you are.
I heard this line below while watching the telly today and it got me thinking about how inter-related the two states of being are.
LOVE IS BIGGER THAN HAPPINESS?
You see, I got to thinking, can you have love with out happiness? Or can you have happiness with out love?
Let me explain....I have thought that I was deeply truly madly in love with my husband (Adrian) and yet happiness was not a friend to me while with him. There was always the shadow of the misery he could inflict.
My next partner (Tony) I knew I would never be "in love" with him, but I thought (in fact he did know and said he wanted to take the chance that I would grow to love him and in a way I did, but as a sister would love a brother) . I never once said I loved him and in more ways than one that did more damage to me. He certainly cost me a small fortune and in fact in order to get him out of my house, the final bill was 72 thousand pounds. My experience is not, that the women gets everything when relationship end. I was happy for awhile with Tony, but not in love with him...ever.
Adrian to his credit, finally walked away from me and said he wanted nothing from our marriage and that he wanted me to have it all, as I would be raising the kids alone, so needed it far more than he did. For this I can respect him, that and the fact that his only other wish was that the children knew peace within their own home. Adrian was indeed an arse-hole, but he wasn't always full of shit and in the end, it was the right thing to do for all of us. We had met when I was 17 and were together until I was 31/32.
Tony came along a few years later, had all the manners of a gentleman, was very pleasant and everyone around me got on with him well. We dated once a week for months and he never met my kids until we had been together for 6months. He was a school teacher very high up in his feild and an F.A football couch. He was every ones darling. My brothers adored him and thought the sun shone from his backside. It wasn't till years later that I realised why the sun shone from his arse...because even the devil didn't want that one kept in the dark, the World needed a warning sign.
I brought the house, he wanted to moved in, even though I was reluctant.....everyone told me he was good for me, good for the kids, they all liked him. So instead of listening to my own misgivings and having had the most god darn terrible last relationship I bowed to my family and friends thoughts and despite my own misgivings in he moved. I was happpy for a little while. Well, I tried to be. The kids certainly were and in turn seeing them happy made me so.
Turned out he was deep in debt, I bailed him out and a year later had to do the same again. He was spending money like it was growing on trees...turn out it was my money. We had been living together for two years when I couldn't do it any more, so ended the relationship. He cried like a baby said he didn't want me to take the kids from him "After all Lia, they have already had their father leave them, it isn't fair on them". He had a plan, we would buy a sofa bed and he would sleep there, we could carry on living as a family, it would be better for the kids in the long run.
I spoke to family mine and Tony's (he has a wonderful family, and in truth I miss them more than I ever have Tony) I spoke to friends and asked the kids what they wanted. Everyone with out exception said it was a good thing and even congratulated us on our mature and positive approach to our break up. The kids were happy with it as well.
It worked and it worked well for awhile. But I wasn't happy, in fact I hadn't been happy since he moved in, when I really think about it now. I knew he loved me deeply, that was never in question. He loved me the way I had loved Adrian and I felt really sad for him. Then I felt it was all too much for me and I asked him to leave.
That's when I found myself in court and a bill for 72 thousand pounds. Tony hasn't seen the kids for 4yrs now, yet he loved them, didn't want to leave them ever, they needed him, he needed them. Last time he saw the kids they all rowed with him and told him that he had treated their mothers house as his own personal ATM machine. That their mother had been his banker and he had played foot loose and fancy free with their inheritance, while speaking in platitudes about love and family values.
So back to the question! Is love bigger than happiness.
My own life has taught me that the answer is NO. Love is not bigger than happiness, but neither is happiness bigger than love. The two are inter-woven, you simply can't have one without the other. You can't be happy without love and you can't love without happiness.
Love by it's very being is joy. You can be deeply passionate about someone and something, and it will give you joy. Most of the time.
Take a look for instance at how men are deeply passionate about their favoured team, now at times it will make them sad, but the love never wavers . A woman can love a pair of shoes, even if at times they cripple her feet. But both will go back to their teams or wear their crippling shoes, because they love them and they bring them happiness.
Love can hurt you and tear you apart, but happiness never will. I know what love and happiness is now... it took Francis to show me that.
I have never loved or been this happy in love with anyone my whole life. Excluding the kids, 'cos they are just love and joy to me by being in my life. Francis is a whole new ball game to me, but with out doubt love is not bigger than happiness to me, they are as one.